Growing up, he was the older brother that I never had. My best friend and I would sneak in his room and giggle at his White Snake posters when he wasn’t around. Lord help us if he ever caught us. He could pop a bike wheelie like nobody’s business and when he and his buddies drove up in his classic red Mustang, I thought he was the coolest person on earth, even though I would never admit it.

He joined the Army as a boy, lost and seeking something bigger, and returned from Germany a few years later as a fine representative of the United States of America, and as a man. In 1997 he was killed in an accident at Fort Hood, leaving behind his wife, three children…and my best friend.

I think about him often.
_______________

Many of you are off today for Memorial Day. I hope that your family and friends are going to get together for some mean BBQ-eating-beer-drinking-poolside-boating-poker-playing-fun. I can’t wait to hear about the grub Dub is going to toss on his grill.

It’s easy to forget that this day isn’t just a holiday that companies give you because you need a break or a chance to do some wicked sale shopping. Remember what today is about…and be thankful. Be thankful for Those who have died for our Country. Be thankful for their families. Be thankful that we wake up each day in the greatest nation in the world because of them.

For those who would like to remember someone here today, please do. I would be honored to have their memory shared.

God Bless America, God Bless the Men and Women who protect it and God Bless Those who died for it.

XOXO
Roxy

Twila is taking a much needed day. I wish it included mani/pedis and a day at the spa but instead it means a day to get needed shopping done without kids, a lunch without trying to keep two kids clean and a gourmet cupcake it finish it off.

Twila will be back to reality next week.

Dear Department Store COO,

I thought that you should be made aware of a problem present in your stores. The blue death lighting, you know, in the dressing rooms, where I stare at myself NAKED has got to go. I mean, really? Who told you THAT lighting was complimentary to anyone with a pulse? I realize that you want ambiance that is going to make the clothes that you are peddling look attractive but let me tell you that I don’t care how sparkly or shiny or colorful your stupid shorts are on a hanger, if I spot cellulite anywhere on MY legs in THOSE shorts in YOUR mirror, they’re going right back on that little return rack you have waiting for me outside the dressing room.

Please make note that those lights that you have decided to install make me look like a corpse frozen in Antarctica. Do you think your pretty little sundress is going to look appealing on someone with a blue epidermis? NO, no it’s not. My reflection in the security camera ball makes me look like a supermodel compared to that shit you have in the dressing rooms.

Do you save on your energy bills? Well congratulations on being environmentally friendly, Mother Nature thanks you. But, please remember that Mother Nature isn’t the one almost having a breakdown in your dressing room because nothing looks good on, it’s me, the one armed with Husband’s credit card.

While I am at it, I would encourage you to be sure that your clothes don’t run small. If I have to go up a dress size because your dumb asses can’t seem to get your sizes right then I ain’t buying it. What’s that? NO, I did not eat one too many Auntie Anne Pretzels on my way to your store.

Excuse me while I secretly wipe the cheese sauce off my upper lip.

And please, PLEASE don’t put threatening signs up that say that someone might be watching me while I strip down to nothing. Do you KNOW how frightening that is to someone trying to grow out their bikini area for a summer vacation wax?

Thank you for your attention to this matter. Should you wish to contact me I will be huddled in a fetal position in a corner…it’s swimsuit season.

Regards,
Roxy McHapski

It’s been over two weeks now since I got the axe.  Damn, I think it’s been almost three weeks.  I was high as a kite the first few days, and then that Saturday morning I woke up with the ‘oh shit, is this really happening?’ thought in my head. We had some family drama too, and I found myself in a funk.

The same thing happened when my marriage officially ended. I would wake up some mornings feeling like I was free and on cloud 9. Then there were other times when I woke up thinking ‘really, is this really happening to me?’  I’ve now officially climbed on cloud 9 and am enjoying a fabulous ride over that one.

So I know it’s all a matter of time.  The question of the day is ‘What are you going to do now?’  Honestly, what sucks is that I have no answer.  I’m soooooo not eager to jump back into the corporate world.  I feel like this is it, this is the kick in the ass that I’ve been waiting for.  I actually have some stuff in the hopper that I’m hoping will take off and happen.  I want to work on some stuff I’ve always dreamed of working on, but the practical side is telling me to do what’s safe.   After all, there are still bills that need to be paid.

I’m also still on the hunt for a sugar daddy….any takers?  In all honestly, though, over the past few weeks, my dips have fallen a little shorter, and the highs are coming more and more.  In all my life I’ve never been in this boat before, and it’s a little scary.  However, I’m super excited about the opportunities ahead.

God damn end of the year. How is it that I only have one kid in school. Preschool, not even real school. Yet I am so fucking busy I can’t even think straight. 5 years down the road is looking really scary right now.

Since I am literally running out the door right now, I leave you with a picture.

Me, pregnant. Be nice. It is the first belly shot that I have ever taken. Yep, third kid and the first belly shot. Taken. In my not quite clean bathroom.

Also… I’m finding out the sex soon…. so, take a guess.  For those of you who like to base it off of cravings or how sick I have been. I will say that I was sick 24/7 for about 3 months and crave fruit like crazy and seem to be growing wide instead of just out.

Guess away.

Husband put me on a budget when I decided to stay home with the rascals. This whole budget thing is all very new to me and I don’t like it. I’ve been forced to clip coupons and shit.

Since I have been put on this restrictive budget a fancy schmancy grocery store opened up a few miles from our house. I have avoided it like the plague since it opened. All I could imagine was a gaping hole in my pocket gushing money as I ventured through the organic produce section. BUT, a glossy colorful coupon offering free juice and cheese landed in my mailbox teasing me to step foot into the glory that is Market Street.

I wasn’t sure what to expect really, maybe a scene out of the Jetsons but where George is sporting some Birkenstocks. Oddly, it looked like a normal grocery store on the inside but more um… earthy. I had a phenomenal coupon so I was going in soldier style and wasn’t leaving until I got my free Tillamook cheese.

I had to spend an additional $20 to get my free goods. So, I pulled out the grocery list and figured I could pick up a FEW of my items here and maybe find them in the organic, cage-free versions of their evil twins waiting for me at (gasp) Wal-Mart. (In addition to being more frugal, I am also trying to be healthier. It’s a bitch to balance). Suddenly, I felt like Alice in Wonderland in pink Converse, careening down that damn rabbit hole. The old, working with a salary and commission me clicked back on and I got really excited about being in this store. My coupon organizer started to disintegrate in my purse.

Thankfully, I had two screaming kids with me so that bubble got popped REAL fast.

The produce section was as colorful as a Lucky Charms rainbow, seriously. Rapidly, my cart started filling up with Pixar Animated looking vegetables. I kept filling it until youngest started spitting on oldest from her elevated position in the cart. I had to dig through my purse to find an old Starbucks receipt wrinkled just enough to pass as tissue to wipe up the spit splatters on the ground. And don’t worry, I got the evil stares from some of the snotty shoppers. Bitch, stop glaring at me unless you want me to sic one of my kids on you.

The kids became smitten with the live lobster tank. Seriously girls, it’s not the zoo. People are going to throw them into a vat of boiling hot water where they will die a fiery death, don’t get attached.

I found the free orange juice with ease. The cheese, on the other hand, was a bitch to locate. Thankfully, this store has name-tagged people crawling all over as personal concierges so I found one in the dairy section. Surrounded by women clothed in brands that I will likely never own, I pulled name-tag aside. I made him bend down to my level and whispered in his ear. “Hi, can you please tell me where I can find the um….free….cheese? You know the one on the …fancy coupon? mmmm you smell really nice.” He politely pointed out the OBVIOUS location of the cheese and I went on about my way.

I started to peruse the other aisles. The suits in marketing started rubbing their hands together and snickering “snagged another one boys, high-five!”

The check-out went well, aside from the name-tag that sniffed my cilantro and made an almost orgasmic sound. That was kind of weird, but I get it, fresh cilantro is glorious. I did, however, realize that I forgot my stupid eco-friendly re-usable bags. I felt like a villain walking out of this store while everyone else was carrying their birthed-from-mother-nature-herself-hemp bags and was wearing recycled tires on their feet. I wanted to wear a poster board that read “I FORGOT THE DAMN BAGS AT HOME”.

I have to snap back to reality next week….unless another one of those glossy four-color-press coupons ends up in my mailbox again…..

XOXO
Roxy

When the layoff came through, I had BIG plans. I was going to work out everyday, take my dogs for long walks, work on my new company, hang out with friends, etc, etc. I had all this new found free time on my hands, and I wanted to take advantage of it.

Now I’m asking myself, ‘where in the world did I find the time for a job?’ Granted, I’m planning a huge party this weekend (where on a side note, I’ll get to meet Roxy for the first time, and I’m so freaking excited). So that’s been taking up a lot of my time. Cleaning and shopping can wear a girl out.

But I’m just trying to find the new balance in my schedule. Granted, I’m loving the new schedule change, but I also need to find the time I’ve suddenly come across…Well supposedly, anyway.

I’m off to finish some jello shots. Quince de Mayo is the theme (obviously a little late for Cinco). So I’m 2/3 of the way done with Mexican themed ones. Much more labor intensive than I originally thought, but will be well worth it.

*WARNING*

Do not read if you are eating, drinking or well… this is gross, you might vomit a bit in your mouth

So obviously I don’t have a sick enough mind. Somehow yesterday I stumbled upon an article about what could be the sickest movie ever made. Just like any train wreck, I wanted to know what it was about.

Surprise, it’s a horror movie. So I already know that I will not be seeing it.

Apparently what it is about is a mad scientist who “attaches” three people’s intestinal systems together. This is where my mind is not sick enough. I imagined, well… I don’t know. Somehow attaching each person together through their belly button? Fuck, I don’t know. Then in the review they stated how great the director was by not showing what actually happens when the first person has to use the restroom and instead letting your imagine it.

That’s when I was confused. So I had to figure out how they hell these people were attached.

Yeeeeeah. They are attached…. ass to face.      - Let that sink in.-        So like the first guy takes a shit, and the second has to eat it. Because… well they are attached. Then, well… third gets sloppy seconds I guess you could say.

Ugh, I need a shower just from typing that.

Here’s a few logistical questions I have:

- Shit is not liquid. So if this chicks face is attached, how does she chew up the shit?

- The third person in this train, I mean, isn’t all of the nutrients already taken out of the shit after two people have fully digested what used to be food? So will they become malnourished?

- Pretty much the most obvious question of all… Why? I mean, is this going to somehow cure cancer? A new diet? Sexual pleasure?

Eck, I will not be seeing this. But in case this has peaked your interest the name of the movie is Human Centipede.

Here’s the trailer on YouTube

If you don’t want to see the trailer but do want to see how they are “attached” just google it and images pop up. Lovely. All apologies on the nastiness, it’s just something I’m going to have nightmares about.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to pull a little Ace Ventura and wash my mouth out with anything I can find.

Sorry Internet – not having a very good day with my back.  So, this is a pretty weak post.  I know it already.  Love me anyway, mm kay?  Mmm Kay, here we go:

Roxy hasn’t met any of the Housewives yet.  She sent us a fun email with pics of celebrities she thinks we might look like.  I got Lisa Rinna.  Twila got Debra Messing.  Elanah got Angie Harmon.  She’s pretty close on Elanah’s.

So, who do you look like that’s famous?  Who do you think we look like that’s famous?

Go!  Have fun with it!  I need something to make me forget that my spine is about to be severed!  And suctioned!  And will probably get that YES stamp again!  I’m asking YOU to entertain ME today.

My Five Year Old lost her first tooth. It was quite a celebration in the McHapski household. It finally decided to dislodge itself from the dangling root during a morning bite of Cheerios. She spit a whole mouthful of milk, blood and saliva soaked cereal into my hand and I didn’t even gag because I was so overcome with emotion over this monumental event. We took pictures. She cried. I cried. My husband laughed.

I vividly remember the effort it took to get those fuckers out when I was a kid. My tongue would tirelessly work to sever the roots holding in those stupid teeth. I can still taste the blood oozing from the enormous holes in my mouth and can remember the satisfaction of finally yanking the tooth out of my gums, then running to show my momma my disgusting root-free treasure. It was worth all the work for a shiny QUARTER under my pillow.

I carefully planned “the switch” and snuck into her room at 3 a.m. I was like 007 sneaking through the shadows and diving to the floor at the sounds of an irregular breath. I slid my hand under the pillow like a teenage boy up his girlfriends skirt and sneakily slid the tooth out from the little tooth pillow that we got from The Dollar Store. I placed a shiny Susan B. Anthony coin under her pillow and went back to bed.

Early the next morning she came running into my room, proclaiming that the Tooth Fairy had left her a whole quarter! No, no, no, NOT a quarter! A Soo-zun Bee Ann-thon-nee! I took the opportunity to educate her that the Susan B. Anthony is actually a very special coin and that she must be a very special girl to receive such a special coin and that she should cherish the coin and keep it forever and ever…

She wanted to know if this Susan B. Anthony would still work in the candy machine at the grocery store. Geez.

Later that day Favorite Neighbor and I were outside standing in the middle of the street so our kids didn’t get run over by any of our accelerator happy neighbors when the topic of the lost tooth came up. We talked about the events that morning. She tells me about the first time her daughter lost her tooth and how they pulled it out with floss. I threw up in my mouth a little. We discussed whether the weird ridges that new teeth have are normal. We decided that they were. We talked about how long it takes for all the teeth to come in…blah blah blah.

Then she tells me that the “Tooth Fairy” left her daughter SIX FUCKING DOLLARS because that was all the cash they had on them! What. The. Fuck! Six dollars!?! Seriously?!? It was ONE tooth! Shit, for six dollars I’d consider ripping out my own teeth. For a whole set, I might be able to afford that Dyson!

When did the Tooth Fairy get so damn rich? Is this normal? Did I jip my kid? Really, what’s a baby tooth going for these days? I mean, I know there’s inflation to consider but DAMN! My Tooth Fairy must’ve been saving every last cent for my college fund or something.

I’ve already cleaned my local bank out of all the Susan B. Anthony’s and fifty cent pieces they had so regardless, I’m sticking to my guns!