I had to go shopping the other day. For panties. I don’t really like shopping so usually when I want to buy more than one sexy pair I just head to Victoria’s Secret and stock up on their 5 for however much deal.

This time I noticed that they had changed the style a bit. Cool, a bit sexier but still everyday. But there was one problem as I walked the entire store looking for the right panties… the crotch. The crotch has shrunk. I mean its like a tiny little strip. At first I thought I was imagining it so I bought some and brought them home. Then I got out the ruler. No joke, I fucking went to my junk drawer and pulled out a ruler and measured the crotch. Readers! The crotch area is now 1 1/2 inches smaller! When exactly was my crotch supposed to shrink? Is there an exercise/diet plan to shrink it?

It covers if I don’t move, if I just stand there with my legs tightly together. But the second I move a leg to the side or open a teeny tiny bit. Shizam! Full on crotch shot. There is no coverage. I looked, the fucking thongs has more crotch coverage. What kind of underwear movement is this? I don’t want to buy granny panties. I like it when they are kinda cute and Hubby does a little “Hellooo” when I take off my jeans. But I still like to be covered. I don’t think it’s sexy to have half my crotch hanging out, that’s just trashy.

Someone tell me, where can I buy cute panties with a crotch? Please don’t mention Gilley Hicks, that place is wrong in so many ways. Any place that has a picture of a man in a 80’s women sweater with poofy  sleeves laying on grandmas couch showing is 6 pack abs behind the register is just not right. It’s probably the most disturbing thing I saw all year.

So, Cabo.  Love me some Ca to the Bo!  The kids were awesome and respectful – and I was SOBER!  In Cabo!  Sober!  Ok.  I did drink a little at Senor Frog’s.  But I was able to shop my way back to the hotel just fine, thank you.

It only got dicey when we hit the Main Street full of Flea Markets.  Yes, that’s plural.  Because each shop was called Flea Market.  And I dropped at least a bazillion pesos in each one, except for one, and I’ll get to that in a minute.

OK, so we arrive in Cabo and I immediately insist on having a Dr. Pepper, so we go to the Market, which is thank fully in the square in front of the hotel.  However, I see that you can rent Vespa’s.  And, like Captain Obvious – I rented 3.  My leg still has 9 scratches on it from running into the SAME bouganvilla bush.  Poor bush didn’t stand a chance.  Once I realized how dangerous Sabrina On a Vespa was we headed into the Market.  And to my eyes delight, what could it be?  A fucking pharmacy!  A. Pharm – A – Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.  And who likes prescription drugs more than me?  Ok, Michael Jackson, but he’s dead, so it’s all meeeeeeeeee!  You didn’t need a prescription or anything.  You just walk through the Pharmacy and pick what you want.  I became a drug mule.  I decided I was going to buy a little of everything, because none of it was in english.  I decided I’d google it when I got it home, that is, if I made it back into the country, right?  The Pharmacy visit became a nightly thing.  I just kept adding to the surplus.  I stopped short of seeing how far I could get with a BOX of needles and syringes.  A BOX of 1000 needles and syringes for $14!!  Who needs that?  Eventually I would need that.  And that’s where the story picks up.

The last night we headed to all the Flea Markets, surely to find things we hadn’t already seen.  We had eaten a late dinner at The Hard Rock, so the Flea Markets were about to close up.  Thinking we could get some awesome deals, we hit’em.  My son’s girlfriend fell in love with this red Mexican dress.  It was very pretty, very detailed, very much worth the $48 they were asking for it.  But Son’s Girlfriend learned quick that you never pay full price.  She stood firm at her $20 offer.  Even threatened to walk away.  The guy came down to $25.  Done deal!  Nope, she stuck to her guns!  No deal she said!  $20, that’s my final answer!  (I was so proud!  and full of exclamation points apparently!!!)  The guy was kinda greasy and smelled funny.  She turned to walk away and he says to us, “Ok, OK, Amigos.  $20 es good for you.  Then $20 and…a kiss”  and he puckers.

I say DEAL!  And I grab my son and thrust him over to kiss the greasy Mexican Flea Market dude.  And I try to explain that he didn’t say a kiss from whom.  He insisted on a kiss from a “chicka”.  So my son whored me out for $5 fucking $5!  He hurls me towards the guy who proceeds to grab my head like it was a canteloupe.  Turns it and then shoves his tongue into my skull.

You know how you’ve seen a snake crawl in and out of a skull on TV.  Yeah, it was Just. Like. That.  He looped through my nostril and back through my eye socket.  All this before I could pull away and then throw up.  Only I wished I could throw up.  Instead I was left to, are you ready for this…wipe. the. spit. off. my. upper. lip.  There are just no words for this.  I would’ve given him the fucking $5!! 

Thankfully was I that a Phar – Ma- SEEEEEEEEE was open to the fucking public.  I didn’t know what I needed, just knew it ended with cyllin.  And, now my son is going around the house asking if the napkin holder was worth $5….or…this is where he inserts his comedic pause…a Flea Market Kiss.

Shoot, the gloves have BEEN off for two freaking years trying to make baby #3. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard, you know, to make a baby.

Now, I can get pregnant, or at least I COULD get pregnant. I’ve actually had four pregnancies. Three of the first four were woopsie daisies. My first pregnancy, an old wadded up receipt with a tampon purchase from Kroger confirmed what my young and recently married self was afraid of… I was two weeks late. A long list of WTFs spewed out of my mouth. WTF, no, no, no, no…we’ve only been married for a year! WTF, how the hell can I do my job with a freaking baby, I work 70 hours a week!! WTF, I JUST learned how to wakeboard! WTF I don’t even LIKE babies!!! Waaaaaaaaaa!

Yep, I was pretty much a basket case but did come to accept the pregnancy and to eventually embrace it just in time for my OBGYN to tell me that the little lima bean resting in my belly had no heartbeat. Miscarriage. Ugh, still gets to me to this day.

Pregnancies two and three, were also “accidents”, well we weren’t preventing them anyways. Having dealt with the emotions from my previous miscarriage and getting a few extra years under my belt I was much more prepared and immediately excited when the two little lines showed up on that little piss covered stick. We were blessed with two healthy beautiful little girls.

So, two years ago, when we decided to try for number three (damnit, I want a boy!) we thought, hey, this will be FUN! We get to TRY to have a baby (snicker, snicker). Two months later, we got our wish, two blue lines. Psh, seeeeee….easy breezy, bitches!…I was MADE to have babies. We so freaking ROCK!….
God, I was such an asshole and so unappreciative of the gift that had been given to me.

When I started spotting shortly after, I wasn’t shocked. Sad, but not shocked. I’d been through this before and knew what to expect both emotionally and physically. What I didn’t expect was the following two miserable years of trying and failing. Nothing makes sex less fun than scheduled gotta-do-it-today-or-else-we-miss-our-chance-and-have-to-wait-until-next-month-to-try-again sex.

We’ve been through all the normal infertility testing, sperm checks, blockage x-rays, ovulation blood tests, etc. et-fucking cetra. All the tests say that we are “normal” which I guess should come as a relief, but it doesn’t. I want to know WHY it’s not happening. Just tell me that my body’s baby factory has gone bankrupt and let me move on instead of spending every month wishing away the symptoms of a period that I can feel coming on.

We decided a while ago, that this April was the last month we would screw for the sake of our parts to make a kid. If it doesn’t happen then well, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I am extremely thankful for the two beautiful children that we do have. In fact, this whole “trying and failing” experience has made me much more appreciative of the fruition of their little breathing lives.

This week is baby-making week. Got any ideas? Foods I should eat? Special positions? I’m going out with a bang, so bring it!

Post here any business (local or otherwise) that you think deserves attention. 

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Rate them with Countini’s, of course.

Let’s here from you!

People have been very interested in the Tastefully Simple products since we reviewed them.

Because of this interest, I’ve spoken to Milly and we can hold a catalog party on our site!  We don’t gain anything from it, but you do!  You get to purchase anything from the Spring AND Winter catalogs.  That means you can get the Watermelon drink mix (friggin YUM!).  And you can try their beer bread firsthand.  I think that’s what everyone bought at the party.

I also recommend the Onion Dressing.  Hubs said it was the best dressing he’d ever had.  And the Key Lime Cheeseball – too delish!

Contact Milly directly if you want to place an order.  You can find her at: millylopeztaylor@yahoo.com

or go here to get her page directly: www.tastefullysimple.com/web/mlopeztaylor

We’ll close it up next Friday!

It’s been almost a year since she passed away.  I know some of us got real close with her.  Her husband, along with some friends, are running in the Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society.  I thought I would share his link for anyone that wants to donate to a cause that has touched the Housewives very directly.  If you click on the link you will also be able to see a picture of her and see just how beautiful she was and read her husband’s paragraph about his wife’s treatment.

Remembering Lulu

We’re starting a Business Directory for all the businesses that have advertised with us, are advertising with us, or want to advertise with us.  If you own a business that you’d like listed in the Directory, please let us know about it!

We hope this will be a good “go to” place for your needs.  Or, for whatever.  If we reviewed the product there will be a link to our review.

Hopefully everyone is settling in to our new digs!

Love,
The Housewives

Please don’t judge me by this next sentence. I watch Kendra on E!. Yes, I realize, and I am highly embarrassed by this. However, I really have enjoyed watching her branch out of the ‘house’ and make a life of her own. My biggest problem with this show, though, is her husband, Hank Baskett.

Yes, he’s good looking. Yes, he’s a professional football player, but scratch all of that. I’m not sure if someone is handing this guy scripts or what, but he is the nicest freaking guy in the world. He loves her so much, and he’s so, so sweet to her.

I’m paraphrasing this, but last week he said something along the lines of how he’ll treat her like his father always treated his mother. He’ll always put her needs first, and make sure that Kendra, the mother of his child is always happy. And he’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy.

Then this past week she hasn’t lost all of her baby weight, and she started to cry when she was getting ready to go out with the girls. His words, again, paraphrasing ‘Babe, I will never truly understand what you’re going through right now. Just know that I will love you no matter how you look. Even if I was the last man on earth, and I had a choice of all the women, I would still choose you.’

Oh my gosh! The fact that he doesn’t even try to solve her problem or tell her to stop crying, just that he’ll never understand it, but he loves her. What man says that????? Oh, and then he sat in the bathroom with her, while he fed the baby because he knew that she needed him, and he wanted to talk to her. Again, what man does this?????  Oh, and yes, you read that right…’while HE fed the baby’.

Now in all fairness, she seems to treat him great too, and she really seems to love him a lot.  However, as I’m struggling already in this whole love thing, I have this guy giving me hope, or maybe not hope, but wishful thinking that this is all possible. Is he really the only guy on earth like this? Has Hank given me false hope of what a guy can really be? Does Hank have a brother? Oh, wait, I can look that one up.

I am off. Off to take care of some lingering business on the Coast. To tie up what I think of as some loose ends. Wish me luck. I’m traveling with my little ones on a plane ALONE! That’s right a preschooler and “lap child”. Keep your TV tuned to the news because I might just be on it as the lady who was kicked off because of her kids. Or the lady who was arrested because she yelled at her child a little to loudly meaning she was a child beater and CPS was called.

I mean really. My kid throws a fit what am I going to do? Everything in my power of course, but if that kid wants to scream he’s gonna scream. Where is the time out spot in an airplane? Can I spank him? Or will that get evil looks? Should I drug him? Basically I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. No one will be happy with how I handle it so I need to get over it.

Here’s is what I suggest for all airplane passengers who don’t want to hear my kids, buy some noise reduction headphones. $15. Worth the money. Plus, isn’t that what your iPod is for? To drown out my kids?

Ok, I need to give my little ones credit. They are well behaved kids. I get complements all of the time at restaurants. But still, they have their moments. So I am a little stressed at this whole idea of traveling across the country alone with them. I mean, who wouldn’t?

Wish me luck and nice people on the plane. The very full plane… a plane that I think is over sold. Oh God.