My son brought in the mail the other day and awweeee there was a BIG box addressed to Sabrina Beaverhausen!  I wasn’t expecting anything to show up for my character on here, so I was a little hesitant to open it.  I stuck my ear up to it to see if I could hear a ticking bomb.  Then I smelled it to see if I could smell the poop someone had sent me, or the anthrax.

I even made Hubs open it.  And there was a bevy of pink.  A flurry of pink!  And I pulled out 5 bright pink tubes of Xrated Fusion Lip Gloss and 5 matching pink shirts and a few pink feathers.  Nice!  Especially since they didn’t submit themselves.  And they sent 5 of everything, so no fighting amongst us about who gets to wear XRATED in white glitter on a pink shirt that might even be a bit small for us and our boobs.

Xrated Fusion is a pink liquor.  Kitty has actually had the drink and enjoyed it.  So did our reader, Dorsey, who submitted it.  In fact, Dorsey says it even tastes pink.

Sabrina gives Xrated Fusion a 4 out of 5 Collin Countinis.

We received a fabulous gift basket from the good people at X Rated Fusion Liqueur.  My favorite part of the whole thing was the liqueur (duh).  It’s very pink and very yummy.  I tried it over ice and mixed with icy cold champagne , did I say yummy yet?  If I’m feeling adventurous I might even try it with some vodka too.  In case you’re wondering, X Rated Fusion is a blend of French Vodka (I drank it even though it is French , I won’t hold that against the vodka.  It can’t help where it’s from.) and the juices of oranges, mangoes, and passion fruit.  Yum.  Yum. Yum.

Kitty gives X Rated Fusion 4 out of 5 Collin Countinis.  Yum!

I haven’t tried X-Rated Fusion yet, but I want to. Anything drink that is pink and geared towards women is alright in my book. Oh, and thank you X-Rated peeps for sending the box of goodies. I’m going to rock my new tee with X-Rated right across my boobs, and rock it HARD!

There is a fun little quiz on their website and this was my outcome:

YOUR X-RATED FLIRT XPERIENCE STATUS:

Your Flirt Personality is The Better Half.

You are his “perfect ten” dream girl because you know just what to do to keep the passion alive. He may think he’s in control, but you know better. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us.

That is SO VERY LULU!!

4 out of 5 Countini’s. And when I try the stuff I bet it will go up to 5 Countini’s.

Does it get better than this?  Wearing shiny pink lip gloss, wearing an X Rated tank top that my husband adores, and sipping on X-Rated Fusion.  I have just one word.  YUM!

I’d write more, but I’m drunk and my husband is chasing me around the house.

Holly gives X-Rated Fusion 4 out of 5 Collin Countinis

As you can imagine, being a Housewife can be quite exhausting. But hey, there are perks, I will admit it. One of those perks is being asked to review X-Rated Fusion Liqueur. This pink yummy goodness is bursting with fruit flavors and goes down very smoothly , and it pairs well with juicy girl talk.

The great folks at X-Rated also sent us tank tops and lip gloss, and must say that my husband likes the combination very, very well (but then again, what man doesn’t love a woman wearing something that says “X-Rated”?)

So grab your girlfriends and grab a bottle (or three). I’m pretty sure I’m going to win ‘member of the month’ in my neighborhood moms group when I show up with a bottle at our next get together.

Stella gives X-Rated Fusion 4 out of 5 Collin Countinis

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and it’s my day to post.  How bad does that suck?  I’m all hungover from a full day of eating turkey and drinking beer.  I was up until 2 a.m. with my brothers and sisters.  I’m tired, but blissfully happy to be at home, wrapped in the familiar, warm, frustrating, delicious cocoon of family. (Even vapid, shallow, bitchy Housewives have Mommies who love them.) It’s a wonderful day, but I have nothing to say and no desire to come up with a snappy post.   I’m just going to tell you all to have a wonderful post-Thanksgiving weekend.  I’m going to go have a Bloody Mary and a turkey sandwich and then take a blissful nap on my Mommy’s bed.  Happy Thanksgiving weekend!

Cheers!

Holly

Do you remember that song from Sesame Street that went like this, “One of these things is not like the other.  One of these things just doesn’t belong.”  If the subject is this website, what do you think the answer is?  I’ll give you a hint , it starts with a K and ends with an itty.

I write out the words if something makes me Laugh Out Loud, I’m not comfortable dropping f-bombs (unless I’ve been drinking or the Cowboys’ defense is playing like crap), and unless you count the fact that I’m politically conservative, I really have nothing controversial to say.  It’s just not me.  Sometimes I wish it was me, but when you get right down to it, it’s not.  I’ve enjoyed being a part of these crazy, edgy housewives since June, but for me, it’s time to return to obscurity.  When we started this thing last summer we were all kind of feeling our way around, and now that we’ve all come into our blogger personalities, my style of writing just doesn’t gel with everyone else’s.

Thanks to the other housewives for giving me this chance.  I’m going to miss y’all!  And thanks so much to you for reading my posts and for your comments , especially Sadie, Max, Dorsey, punxxi, Suburbia Steph, and Miss Snodgrass.  It’s been fun, but now I’ll turn in my secret passwords and go back to being just another random housewife in suburbia.  Not to worry though, much like when Charlotte goes to the Ladies Room to check her lipstick after the Cosmos are served, there might be a small void for a while, but Carrie, Samantha, and Miranda will continue to entertain so that the absence isn’t even really felt.

It seems that just as no one could have possibly prepared me for the sleep deprivation that came with having a newborn, nobody happened to mention what would happen to my hooters after giving birth and breastfeeding.

I probably wouldn’t have believed them anyway, so I guess it’s just as well. I was going to be the mom that wasn’t controlled by my child’s nap schedule and demands. And I certainly was not going to put up with him waking up 10 times a night to eat.

HAHAHAHA. Riiiiight.

In reality, I spent a good part of 2006 in such a sleep-deprived stupor that my husband called and checked on me constantly just to make sure I hadn’t run my car off the road or accidentally stuck my baby in the fridge next to the milk.

Anyway, back to the boobs.

Now, after two kids, I am flat-out horrified at the state of them. HORRIFIED.

They used to be so nice. Hell, half the time I didn’t even wear a bra! HA!

One wild Spring Break in college, a girlfriend and I happily hopped on top of a pool table and flashed the entire bar for free drinks. I didn’t even think twice about it. I was young, I was carefree and my boobies were amazing.

Now I hesitate before walking out into the living room without my magical/wonderlift/steel-belted radial reinforced push-up bra. It doesn’t help that my husband is a total boob man that could spot a great pair of knockers a mile away in a dense fog without his glasses on.

I didn’t even realize things had gone so far south (literally) until about 4 months after I stopped breastfeeding and I was getting out of the bathtub and my husband walked into the room. He looked momentarily horrified but didn’t want to hurt my feelings and quickly recovered.

I turned to the side and looked in the mirror and let out a gasp that resembled the guttural scream of a wild animal. What was once a full, luscious, knock-a-man-out rack was now two lifeless, sad birds that had flown south for the winter. Did I turn 76 and not realize it? What the hell???

I really want a boob job. REALLY BAD. But unless $10,000 magically appears on my doorstep or my husband suddenly masters the art of plastic surgery, it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen anytime soon.

Whatever. Where there is a will, there is a way. Anybody know of a plastic surgeon around here that is offering a Black Friday special?

***

In completely unrelated news, I actually pulled up next to a guy at Target last night that was putting THE CLUB on his steering wheel. On his 2003 Toyota Forerunner. Seriously, dude?

Who the hell is going to pick your car and decide to steal it? I mean shit, it’s not like we are in the ghetto. We are in front of Target in suburbia, surrounded by manicured streets and lawns and 47,000 other SUVs much nicer than yours. I wanted to try to jimmy the door and then wait and see if he was like ‘Damn! Thank God for THE CLUB!’

Moron.

***

And it wouldn’t be right to start off Thanksgiving week without mentioning something that I am truly thankful for. Major props to my husband, who – in addition to taking me on a kick ass date – rocked my world in so many ways Saturday night that I have been grinning like a school girl ever since. Almost 10 years and two kids later, we’ve still got it going on! Love you, babe!

Couture Invito came across our site, left a comment, and I quote, “I think we could be a great match.”  Having said that I contacted the company and requested a sample of what they do.  I mean, seriously, I can Photoshop the hell out of anything.  So, how was I to know if their products were comparable to my Photoshop capabilities.

I sent them 3 requests, all of which were returned with, oh, that’s right, the emails weren’t returned at all.  So we went from being “a great match” to not even returning emails.  And any company that does not return emails, specifically when they are wanting to be reviewed, is just stupid and causes concern with regard to their customer service.

So we are left to review the website.  And I don’t even want to do that.  I barely wanted to mention them on here, but they’re probably waiting with baited breath to see their review.

Sabrina gives them 0 out of 5 Countini’s (how hard is it to return an email?)

Today we review www.coutureinvito.com.  The website offers all sorts of stationery, note cards, and other kinds of customized paper products, like holiday cards.   There are several options as far as colors and designs go and they all look very cute, but are a little bit pricey.

Kitty gives www.coutureinvito.com 2 out of 5 Collin Countinis , I might have given the website more (because I love pretty stationery), but our requests for samples were ignored , all three times.

When I was told we were reviewing http://www.coutureinvito.com, I checked out the site and was excited to see what samples we would be given.  The stuff was cute, but a bit pricey, so I wanted to see the quality before I was able to give an honest, objective review.  As we all know, sometimes you get what you pay for and sometimes, well, you get ripped off.

Sadly, we’ll never know.  Our (three) requests for at least one sample were ignored.  My feeling is that if you won’t answer emails from people you are asking to review your products then you are either  A.) too busy to respond to emails, which makes me worry about receiving products in a timely manner; or B.) a snotty hag who thinks any publicity is good publicity and can’t squeeze out one measly tablet of paper in exchange for a review.  Either way, count me out on the coutureinvito crap.

Holly gives www.coutureinvito.com a fairly pissy 1 out of 5 Collin Countinis.

The stuff at http://coutureinvito.com/index.html seems cute. But for what I am seeing on the website and the price they are asking, there is NO WAY I would ever buy. It’s really hard to give a review with no product to review.

I’ll give Couture Invito 1 Countini, but I really don’t know why.

I was psyched to review http://coutureinvito.com/index.html…after all, the notepads and cards on the website are freaking adorable. You would think by charging $35 for two notepads, the owner would have a few bucks to spare and actually send us a sample to review!

But nooooo. Apparently she wanted us to review her based on her crappy customer service which includes NO return emails and NO products. Quite the deal, I must say.

Stella gives Couture Invito 1 out of 5 Collin Countinis

I admit it:  I’m a celebrity junkie.  I read US Weekly religiously and I love to hear celebrity gossip of any kind.  But there are a few exceptions, in my opinion.   Here’s the list of celebrities who need to either take a break for a while or fade off the scene permanently.  

Matthew McConaughey – If you are shocked to see his name top this list, join the crowd.  I’m as surprised as you are to find that I’m sick of him.  After all, he used to be number 3 on my “list.”  I moved him to number 5 when he was videoed squawking around on the beach pretending to be some type of bird. I let him stay because I assumed he was high.  I removed him completely after his Oprah appearance in which it was painfully clear how hard he was trying to be totally “out there.”  But now, I want him to go away completely.  You wanna know why?  Because he said that he and his girlfriend, who just had his “Love Child” (his words),  buried the placenta in their backyard.  He just knows something amazing is going to grow and flourish there.  You just lost me, Dude.  I don’t care how hot you are.  Put the pipe down, go away and get some clarity.  Unless being normal will cause you to start wearing clothes.  In which case, I’d prefer you stay crazy and naked.  Just stop talking.  K?

 Mariah Carey – Oh gawd, just typing her name makes me want to puke.  I know she’s a celebrity, but WHY?  Ok, so she can sing a bunch of high pitched shit.  Whatever.  Is that justification for you to shove your butterfly tattoos and Glitter shit down my throat?  I just read my new Redbook, which has Mariah on the cover.  Ick.  I almost trashed it before reading, but I love Redbook, so I gave it a shot.  I glanced through the article on Mariah.  I saw this phrase “Later, we go in the hot tub in our Christmas bikinis, then roll in the fresh snow and jump back in the tub.”  Shut the fuck up, Mariah.  You do not.  You do not roll in the snow in a bikini and jump back in the hot tub.  You are just always trying to find a way to either be half-clothed or talk about being half-clothed.  I just threw up in my mouth a little bit picturing her thunder thighs and love handles in a Christmas bikini, rolling in the snow.  And who are these friends who do it with her?  How much do you have to be getting paid to roll around in the freezing cold with Mariah Carey?  Idiots.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes – Do I need a reason to be sick of them?  Tom Cruise is a freak.  A FREAK.  Katie Holmes married him because he was her childhood crush and she was starstruck.  Then one day, she woke up and noticed that she was married to a short, weird dude who belongs to a cult.  And probably bangs John Travolta at Scientology seminars.  But she doesn’t know what to do, so she just keeps cutting her hair and buying Sprinkles cupcakes for anyone who crosses her path.  If anyone was paying attention, they would notice that the tops of these cupcakes say “Help me.” 

Pam Anderson – Again, does this one need an explanation?  Her rotten twat and over-inflated tits make me sick.  GO AWAY.

Spencer and Heidi – I have no idea what show they are on or why they are famous, but I wish people would stop taking pictures of them.  That Spencer dude, with his pubescent beard gives me the creeps.  And Heidi?  A music video?  That Spencer filmed?  Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed for you both. 

Angelina Jolie – Can I please buy a magazine without her, Brad Pitt and the Mini United Nations they’ve created, on the cover?  Good grief.  When will it ever stop?  I mean, it’s just………Ok, I have to be honest.  I read everything about her.  I have a total love/hate relationship with Angelina.  On one hand, I want to tell her what I think of her for screwing Jen’s husband.  I want the world to shun her for being tall and skinny and gorgeous and walking in a room and being able to take any man she wants. ( In this case, she took the Sexiest Man Alive away from America’s Sweetheart and turned him into her bitch. )  But, on the other hand, I totally want to make out with her.    So go away, Angelina.  Or make me your bitch too.  Either way.

Cheers! 

Holly

Saturday I took the kidlets to have their Christmas portraits taken.  While we were at the portrait studio I went ahead and ordered our Christmas cards. Whew.  It was painless, and I might even dare to say it was fun.  That certainly wasn’t always the case.  Many times in the past, The Yankee and I found ourselves yelling at and threatening our kids , SMILE , NOW!!  Look happy, dammit.  When our kids were little, getting a good picture for the Christmas card was such a beating.  Now that they’re older, it’s really not that bad.  We can even take our Christmas card picture during the summer if we want because their looks don’t change much from June to December , maybe another lost tooth, but nothing major.  When they were younger we had to take the picture no earlier than October because they change so much when they’re little.

Before digital cameras, I can remember taking roll after roll after roll of film to Eckerd’s for one hour development , just hoping that one of the pictures would work.  The digital camera is one piece of technology that I embrace , especially when we’re trying to get a good picture to send to our friends all over the country at Christmas.

I love getting Christmas cards , it’s so fun to see how our friends’ kids have changed over the past year.  One of my favorite pictures was one we got the first year one of The Yankee’s childhood friends moved from up north to San Diego.  He and his wife took the kids to the beach and had them build a snowman in the sand.  Too cute!!

One thing I don’t enjoy about Christmas cards is the dreaded 12-page letter some people send to update the rest of the world about all the wonderfulness that is their family.  We housewives had this conversation last week.  FYI Christmas card letter writers of America: we don’t care that your son scored three goals in his first Pee Wee soccer game or that your yard won Yard of the Month honors in April, or that your daughter played the most beautiful stalk of celery ever in her school play.  Please stop wasting our time, but keep sending those pictures!

Let’s face it, kid’s are assholes.  Well, mostly.  And I have to wonder if it’s because they’re being raised in The Time Our Era.  I know I never got a time out.  I got my butt smacked or grounded and many times both.  And, I’m not advocating beating the shit out of your kid.  But sometimes, everyone around you and your precious, yeah, they’re mentally beating the shit out of your kid and wondering why you’re not.

How many times can you count to 3?  3 is 3.  3 x 3 = 9.  So if you’re really going to give them 9, give them 9.  It’s a lot easier for the rest of us in hearing distance.

I thought about this post as I read through the responses about birthday parties.  Back in my day we did open presents at the party.  The difference between then and now is that the other kids sat nicely at my party and watched and ooohed and ahhhhed the presents.  It wasn’t this mayhem, riot causing insaneness that it is today.  And I blame it on the counters and the time outers.

Again, not advocating beating your kid.  But make sure you have the control and they don’t.  Far too often the kid has complete control over everything going down.  And I just sit and watch, the counting, the threats, and the never following through of a mom that’s obviously at her last straw and she’s counting until the cow’s come home.

I have a 16 year old that is loved and adored by all.  His mother taught him The Art of The Schmooze very early on.  You think I’m braggin?  He had a 68 in English last 6 weeks and talked her into a 70.  He’s that good.  And yes, lots of time outs, lots of banging my head against the wall.  But always with follow through.

So that’s what I’m advocating , The Follow The Fuck Through, Puhleeze.

It’s more my 13 year olds friends and younger that I’ve experienced this ridiculous sense of entitlement spewing from these kids.  And perhaps that’s where there’s a big difference between “my” day and “to”day.  We were entitled to air, food, and a roof.  Anything else was a blessing.  But kid’s today think they’re owed something.  And it’s all your fault, you momma with a spaghetti noodle backbone.

However, it’s my mother’s fault I’m in therapy.  So what do I know?  Well I know what my therapist has told me about the teenager’s he sees.  And they’re really fucked up.  They got BMW’s and all sorts of things that most of us had to work to get.  So they turn 18 and they’re on their own and they have no where to go.  Once you’ve peaked at 16, thanks to mom and dad , where do you go?  And how the hell do you get there?

So I’m begging you , follow through.  Your life will be easier once you’ve developed that look that you can shoot from across the room at your kid, and your kid knows you mean business.  It’s a priceless tool and you, as the parent must develop it.

I was driving down Coit the other day and I happened to glance over at a group of young guys trying to flag down cars for a carwash or something of the sort.

Before I go any further with this story, let me say that I have always – and I mean ALWAYS – been into older men. They don’t have to be OLD old but they have to at least be several years to a decade older.

I have never even given younger men a second glance or thought. But that day, when I saw those young guys, with their hot young bodies and raging young-guy hormones, I nearly ran my car off the road.

It hit me: I totally get the whole Cougar thing.

Before I was married and I turned into an old lady who is counting down the hours until bedtime while sipping my afternoon coffee, I would daydream that an older, wiser man would sweep me off my feet and show me the ways of the world. Often that daydream included a private jet and full-time maid.

Life didn’t turn out *exactly* like that but my husband IS older than me. And he does help me chores when I threaten him and he HAS bugged many a flight attendant long enough to get us bumped to first class. It’s not like I had to settle, people.

Back to my point. I always thought that Cougars – the women who date much younger, barely legal, could-have-sex-all-night-long guys – were silly. I just didn’t understand the appeal.

But that was then and this is now and as housewives, let’s be honest: don’t we all miss the old-school makeout sessions? I can just imagine those young men exhausting every effort to impress me and not worrying about an 8 a.m. board meeting.

Sure, sure, I know SOME of you are still making out for hours – Lulu, yes, I’m talking to you – but I know I am not the only one longing for that kind of kiss that Richard Gere gives that chick in First Knight. Am I???

On the other hand…I do love that I don’t feel the pressure to get a brazillion wax every time I am going to have sex with my husband. I know he loves me stretch marks and all. No doubt if I was going to be to getting it on with a 22-year-old I would be sweating my post-baby body so bad I would work myself into a frenzy and need a drink.

So here I sit (I’m writing this on Sunday night): my husband just got done gagging for 10 minutes while trying to clear out his sinuses with the Neti Pot. I am wearing something that could be called a ‘nightie’ but most certainly does not fall into the sexy category. My hair is pulled up in a ponytail on top of my head. We are not exactly the picture of young, hot and fierce.

Hmmm, I’m pretty sure I need to run an errand on Coit tomorrow…

The Busy Body Book is the ultimate calendar if you just can’t hack an iPhone or some other really cool electronic calendar apparatus.  I had the experience of flipping through this little book thanks to the very nice people at Busy Body Book for sending us 2 calendars.

The first thing that caught my attention was how compact it is.  The second cool thing , it’s not your average run of the mill day planner!  These calendars came in two different and equally cool color themes.  And I love the spot for doodles.  I’m a big time doodler.  I’m not sure there was sufficient doodle space for all the doodling I do.

Two of the other Housewives snatched these goodies up from me and lucky they did.  I was about to go back in time and start pencil pushing my calendar again.

Sabrina gives this 2 out of 5 Countini’s (mainly because I just don’t think you can do better than technology and you should really get on board with it already)

Two of the other housewives grabbed up the weekly grids that www.BusyBodyBook.com  sent us.  After looking through the website, I’m bummed I didn’t get in line for them.  I’m not a big fan of high tech gadgets, so my life is in the steno pad I carry with me everywhere.  The Weekly Grid would be so much better for me.  I can’t wait to order one as soon as the pages of the steno pad I’m using now are all filled.  Like Sabrina, I love the space for doodling.

The website also offers a really cool Fridge Grid and Wall Calendar.  If you’re looking for something low tech to help keep you organized, check out their website , www.BusyBodyBook.com.

Kitty gives www.BusyBodyBook.com 3 out of 5 Collin Countinis.  My guess is that if I had one in my hand I’d probably give the website 4, maybe 5, Countinis.

I was one of the lucky ones to get the Busy Body Book and I have to say, I love this thing!  In fact, I can’t wait until 2009 to start to use it.  Screw technology.  I like to see my shit in black and white.  First of all, I have a shitty phone.  It’s one step up from the Zach Morris brick phone of the early 90s.  Even if I could keep appointments in my POS phone, I’d use the Busy Body Book.  If the battery goes dead, I gotta have a backup.  I’m OCD that way.

My very favorite thing about the BBB (mind if I shorten it? Thanks.) is the way the calendar is arranged.  You open a page and on the right side, there are the basic squares for each day and on the left, there is a “notes” sort of page for reminders.

I also love the tear-out blank lists at the back of the book.  I’m a big list maker.  I like to see stuff written down so I can cross it out when I’m finished.  It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

Last, but certainly, not least, I like the colors and design choices.  I’m a stationery lover and anything cute that is also useful really gets my motor running.  It’s a sickness.

So, while I understand Sabrina’s view that we need to get on board with technology, I have this to say:  I don’t wanna. 

Holly gives the Busy Body Book 4 out of 5 Collin Countinis

I have a slight addiction to planners and calendars, there is just something about seeing my whole month mapped out that gives me a little thrill. I am also The Man when it comes to list making , you give me a project and I can make a list and get shit done faster than you can say “Collin Countini.”

So needless to say, I am thrilled with my handy little BusyBodyBook. It’s cute, compact and the design of it all is seriously cool. I have been using ICal on my MAC for the last month but I love the layout of this so much that I may just switch back to (gasp!) a PAPER PLANNER! The only drawback is that I am dying to fill it up and it doesn’t start until January.

In one two page spread, I can literally doodle a ton, make 3 lists (at least) and plan out each family member’s schedules and my dinners for the week. I could even throw in what exercise I wanted to (try to) accomplish. I just really love the design of this book!

Luckily I am Quick Draw McGraw and was able to snatch up one of the two organizers we were sent for review. But if not, I would have been really pissed. And for that, I can’t give the BusyBodyBook a perfect score.

Stella gives The BusyBodyBook 4 out of 5 Collin Countinis