Last night, during “Family Movie Night,” there was some debate over which parent which daughter was going to sit with.  My youngest said she wanted to sit with me, to which I responded, “Is that because you like me the best?”  She said “yes” and then my oldest made this shocking statement:   “Yeah, Mom, ’cause you know how to party good.”

My first reaction was a knee-jerk, instinctive reaction to hearing that I was a good partier.   A demented sort of pride.  Being a party girl, after all, has always sort of been my thing.  And then, my heart sank just a little bit.  Part of my life flashed before my eyes.  Specifically, the first time I can vividly remember someone saying a similar statement to me.  It was, to say the least, a very different kind of evening.

It was 1994-ish.    I was with an older guy I had worked with, he was supposedly separated (I say supposedly because, in retrospect, I had no real proof of what his real situation was and I was just naive enough to buy whatever he was selling) from his wife and we decided to go out.  To a strip club in the next town.  He brought the beer and the car, I brought the speed   and the 80s mix tape.  I popped open a small container full of little blue tablets, threw a few in his hand and tossed a couple in my own mouth; washed it down with Coors Light and lit us both a cigarette.  We sang at the top of our lungs, driving way too fast, and laughing at each other intermittently.  As “Electric Avenue” died down and “Der Kommisser” began its intro, Mr. Supposedly-Separated looked over at me and said “Damn, Girl, you can party.”  I remember that he said it with an admiring tone and a look that made me feel as if I was the only girl in the world.  I was exhilarated. 

Looking back, I see freedom.  Crazy, wild freedom.   It looks fun.  I know that wild streak is still in there somewhere, but it’s been thwarted by a mild-mannered husband, responsibility,  and three precious children.   And you know what?   That’s a good thing. I like my life just the way it is.  I wouldn’t trade places with that 22-year-old party girl for anything.  Not even one night.  Ok, maybe just one night.  And then the next day, just so I could sleep it off.  But that’s it.  Wait.  Maybe one night a month.  Yeah, right around PMS-time when my husband and kids wish I was gone anyway.  Just one day a month.   Or bi-monthly.  That sounds official.  Two times a month would really refresh me.  Wait.  Maybe just once a, …Good Lord, does anyone have any drugs and alcohol?  Call me.

Last week, while killing time waiting for three of my four fabulous counterparts to appear on the ten o’clock news on Channel 5, I was flipping through the hundreds of channels so kindly provided to us by DIRECTV and I stumbled upon an overly-lipsticked train wreck in spandex.  Have you ever seen the show, 2008 Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team 3, on CMT?  Much like The Anna Nicole Show on E!, for some sick reason, I couldn’t keep my eyes off this show.

The premise of the show seems to be that cameras follow wannabe Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders through preliminary try-outs, and then after the initial cuts are made a group of rookies and veterans spend the next several weeks proving they have what it takes to wear that world famous hoochie-mama cheerleading outfit, evidently, that means wearing an ungodly amount of make-up, having the ability to take harsh criticism from two women who are trying desperately to re-live their glory days as Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders themselves (more on them later), and attaining an unrealistic percentage of body fat.  Oooooooh.  Sign me up.

On the episode I saw, they had these skinny girls climb into this swing looking thing and then they were suspended in water so they could have their body fat measured.  According to the American Council on Exercise, if you are a woman and your body fat is between 14 , 20%, you are considered an athlete.  One girl had a body fat percentage of 21% and the woman taking the measurements looked at her like she was Rosanne Barr.  Then she started jiggling the poor girl’s thighs and told her she’d never fit into the uniform if she didn’t do something about them.  Are you kidding me?  Most women would kill for a body fat percentage of 21%!

At the center of this mess are two women , Kelli (the director of the Cheerleaders) and Judy (the choreographer) , as I mentioned earlier, both are former Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.  Picture the mean, stuck-up, conceited cheerleaders you went to high school with 30 years later and you have these two.  They can be absolutely brutal.  They are demeaning, condescending, and down-right nasty to some of these little balls of fluff in boy shorts and halter tops.  They sit on their fold-out chairs, clipboards and pencils at the ready , just salivating at the chance to be able to tear down one of these young, cellulite and wrinkle-free girls.  Let’s be honest — they’re deciding who is going to be doing hitch-kicks on the sidelines at Texas Stadium, not the best way to solve the greenhouse effect.  Get over yourselves.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disparaging the bubble-headed girls for having their dream.  I just wish they would put their focus into something a little more substantial, like curing cancer.  Okay, hoping any of the girls trying out to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader could cure cancer might be a stretch, but you get my point.

As ridiculous as the show is, I couldn’t turn away , it was like a car wreck on the side of the Toll Road.  Morbid curiosity kept me coming back for a second and third glance.  Lots of people must feel that way , since they are in their third season of this train wreck.  I was just glad I had Sabrina, Lulu, and Stella to pull me out of the spandex abyss. 

McKinney News

My husband’s best friend happens to be one of my ex-luvahs.  Well, obviously, his wife doesn’t exactly want to spend her Friday nights with someone that knows her husband has a giant penis.  And that he flicks it.  Seriously.  He flicks it.  It’s some sort of muscle twitch he does with it during sex.  Which I really want to ask the wife if she’s told him to stop that because it’s not causing “mini orgasms” like he asks while he’s doing it.  Or maybe it works for her.  I just thought it was stupid and reminded me of flicking a booger.

But, I went along with it!  “Oh, yes, flick it!  Mmmmm. Baby.  Just get back to thrusting some time real soon, K?”

I should’ve told him.  How else is he supposed to learn?  Truth be told, guys do the weirdest shit in effort to , well, that is the question!  Is it in effort to please us?  Maybe, to stand out in a crowd?  Who knows!  But men , y’all do some weird shit.

My first husband would stand in a doorway and smack his boner against the doorway.  What the fuck is up with that?  It certainly made me believe in evolution, at least in his case.  It was all, “Look ME!  I’m Big Boner Boy and I can slam it against the wall!  Me Sexy!!!”  But it wasn’t sexy at all.  It was just plain weird.

I should’ve told him, too.  But I couldn’t stop busting a rib laughing at the fucking retard.

And apparently from all the emails I get, you men have an issue with the length of your penis and the length of time you can keep it hard.

Let me be clear, anything bigger than 7 inches is more than a mouthful, and the average vagina is only 3 inches long.  You’re stuffing us nicely.  Girth is really more the issue.  You’ve got to have girth.  The only thing you could pull out and we’d be terribly pissed off about is The Scary And Rare Thin Penis.  No one enjoys a thin penis.  If you have a thin penis you should stop having sex all together.  No one is enjoying sex with you.

And, truthfully, not one of us wants you to last longer.  After about 8 minutes we’re wondering if a black sock accidentally got stuck in with our whites.  Our brains start thinking about popping the pimples on your back.  We start making noises to help you finish, because we are already thinking about the clean up process, and when are we going to be able to fall asleep because we’ve got to get up and take care of your children in the morning.  While you waltz out of the house a little lighter in your scrotum.

Just be normal.  And don’t just hop on top and shove real hard.  Sometimes I think you men need a GPS system to find the actual hole you’re poking for: 

“Make a left at the clitoris.”

“Destination ahead on the right.”

And if you’re headed for the wrong hole:

“If possible make a legal U-Turn.”

Remember, we like it hard and fast.  Don’t stray from the plan.

 Ciao!/Sabrina

So, I’m reading a recent article from a San Francisco newspaper about how the mayor, Gavin Newsome, recently officiated at a lesbian wedding.  Not big news for San Fran, I assume, but here’s the kicker:  One of the women getting married was a first grade teacher.  And guess what?  Her first grade class surprised her by meeting her and her new wife outside the wedding. 

(Here’s the link to the main article….there are many more related online    http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/14/MNKT13G9AD.DTL&type=politics)

Anyway, so the above article is about how this looks for a mayor to be officiating at a lesbian ceremony, where children had left school to attend and what it could do to his ratings come election time.  I really don’t care about that.

Here’s what I care about.  First graders leaving school to attend a lesbian wedding?  Sure, she was their teacher, but you know what?  I was a teacher when I got married and not one student came.  And I taught high school, where they could have driven themselves there.  In fact, in all my years of teaching, I never heard of a class being allowed to take a field trip to their teacher’s wedding, homo or hetero.  (For the record, I don’t have an issue about gays or gay marriage.   If I was forced to take a stand on gay marriage, I’d side with the gay community.  I don’t mind if they have the same rights as I do and I dont care what they do in their private lives.)

The problem I have is that this isn’t equality.  No principal or teacher in their right mind would consider allowing an entire class to take a field trip to a wedding of any kind.  Hell, my old school only allowed one field trip a year and it had to be educational.  How is a wedding educational unless you are conducting a science experiment in which you see how many grains of rice a bird can eat before it explodes?

This issue, for me, brings up other issues of equality.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say there is no such thing as equality. 

Take, for example, the women’s movement.  All they wanted, at first, was to be able to vote.  And then get paid the same amount as a man for the same day’s work.  Fair enough, right?  That seems like equality, right?  Sure, but then it has to keep going.  They don’t want there to be any major differences between men and women.  And yet, some of these same women who stomp their feet about why the husband should have to clean house and raise kids while they go out and earn the living, are the same women who are offended when the guy doesn’t offer to pick up the tab on a date or open the door for them.  Dumb bitches.  You have to be smart enough to know how to use your feminity to get what you want, not shove it down a man’s throat so that he sees you as equal.  What the hell fun is that?  If you can’t use your tits to get your way, what good are they?   

Then there’s Affirmative Action.  This started as a necessary idea to keep people from not hiring a person on the basis of race.  Good idea, right?  That’s fair, right?  Yeah, but then, it went further.  Now, each office has to have a certain amount of minorities, to be fair.  So, if you are the best qualified for the job, but not the right color, you may not get it because a business has to meet their quota.  Ditto for college and student loans.  I once worked with a girl who could barely read.  No kidding.  This girl was a day late and a dollar short.  But she was the only black person who applied for the job.  So she got it.  And her counterpart did all her work for her.  She got paid to sit there.  And if anyone ever questioned her or so much as suggested that her job performance was lacking, the Affirmative Action representative was in the boss’s office before you could say “civil rights.”  Reverse discrimination.  It sucks.

I don’t think that there should be all black shows, all black schools, all black groups unless it’s ok for there to be all white groups.  And it’s not.  There was public outcry over the show Friends for so long, they finally put that black chick in there to date Ross.  What if there was White Entertainment Television?  Can you imagine what Sharpton would say about that?  He’d stutter and yell himself into a coma.  (Hey, that’s not a bad idea…let’s try it!)

I’m just sick to death of it.  I want to be a nice, fair person, but all this political correct, inequality, is driving me nuts.  Now, I’m off to find some gay, black woman to be friends with because the last one I had moved to California.  To teach first grade.  Hmmm….. 

I tried, believe me I really tried. But I just don’t get it. Rev seems to be some Epsom salt thing. I’m not really in to Epsom salts, so I searched for something to put a positive spin on this site. Then I clicked on Personal Coach. The very first question was, “Do you have a mommy tummy? Are you making it worse with the wrong exercises and mom activities? Find out by taking our quiz! Learn the hidden secrets of avoiding the dreaded pooch belly.”

Well jiggle my belly and sell me some Epsom salts , I do have something in common with this website. I like to insult people right out of the gates then throw salt into their open wounds. It’s a sickness I have.

Sabrina gives this site 1 out of 5 Countini’s simply because I like the “idea” behind the site of bringing women together and giving them a place to discuss , Epsom salts.

Recently we were asked to pass along our thoughts on the website www.rev.com. I visited the website, and found a lot of information about epsom salts. Yes, that’s right — epsom salts. Evidently there’s an entire wonderful world of espom salts that I never knew about. The website says that REV offers three epsom salt formulas — one for moms, one for families, and one for athletes, but they all seem to do the exact same thing — help you with muscle aches and pains and tired feet. They’re in the middle of a contest right now though — if you submit an entry explaining why you’re a Super-Mom, you might win $1,000.00 cash and a 6-month supply of REV. You will also have the opportunity of becoming one of five moms throughout the country to be a spokesperson for the product. If you are interested in a place to join and have access to blogging, social networking, and tools like calendars, or sharing your Super-Mom story with the possibility of winning some extra cash, or if you’re just a big fan of epsom salts, check it out.

Since I am not interested in any of those things, Kitty gives www.rev.com 3 out of 5 Collin Countinis.

I visited www.rev.com. I was skeptical at first, thinking it was a multi-level marketing deal. It didn’t seem that way, although it is promoting a product. But, if I’m understanding this correctly, it’s basically Epsom salts. Ok, um, not to be rude, but I think my great grandmother was in to that. Like, I don’t think this is a new thing. So, here’s my opinion overall: The website itself is a cool idea. I like the idea of a place for busy moms to chat and get ideas from one another. There is also a place for you to create a calendar with reminders for upcoming activities. There’s also a contest offering $1000 cash and a 6 month supply of REV. I didn’t enter because, although I would totally love to get $1000 cash for doing nothing, I would punch someone in the face if they sent me a 6 month supply of Epsom salts. So there you have it. Cool site, stupid idea on the salts.

Holly gives http://www.rev-life.com/welcome/tabid/36/Default.aspx3 out of 5 Collin Countinis

When we were asked to review REV – Energy for Life, I was initially very excited because I imagined that it was an energy drink that would give me that boost I need to get all my chores done, cook dinner and look fabulous when the hubby got home. It’s actually a website that tells me all sorts of ways to improve myself and sells some Epsom salt formula that is supposed to make my life as a mom pure bliss.

Not sure about the salts as I didn’t actually get to try the product, but as a total bath junkie I would imagine that it would be pretty sweet. Does the canister contain a tiny man that will rub out the kinks in my shoulders at the same time?

I think the ‘cool links’ part of the website is pretty chill and interesting, but I must admit that the ‘natural living’ section totally turns me off. After all, I’m so far from green I’m red. I would much rather read about the latest celebrity gossip than “Tips for a greener life.” However, the link to “Virtually Organized” is pretty cool.

The calendar feature is nifty as well, since my social calendar is busting at the seams and I need help keeping it all straight. But I might be too lazy to log in and enter everything all the time.

Stella gives REV 3 out of 5 Collin Countinis

A link to NBC’s website, and here’s our story:

Well, you can!  Sort of.

NBC 5 News Reporter, Omar Villafranca is coming here to interview myself, Stella, and Lulu , TODAY!

But you’ll only get to see our hands.

I think that’s how we’ll continue introducing ourselves; one body part at a time.  I’ve already mentioned how we could make puppets with our vulvas, but Holly shot it down thinking it would look like Bitter Beer Face Guy.

So, watch your evening news (it may actually run at 10pm).  And, yes, I know, we should have a big watch party and pay for all your drinks.  But, it’s just our hands people and it’s not like they’re paying us.

Also, on Friday, I will be interviewed by McKinney News.  I’ve agreed, even though McKinney seemed to hate me.  But that’s what makes this job so damn interesting.

Don’t forget to set your TiVo’s or DVR’s for the news!  You might just figure out who we are in real life, all from our hands.

Ciao!/Sabrina

Hello and nice to meet you.  I’m the lady leaving all the pee on the public toilet and not wiping it off.  OK.  So, maybe, just maybe I’m using the term “lady” a little loosely here, but I can’t stand public restrooms.  IF I ever have to go in one I immediately start the short breathing and panic sets in.  I want to get in and get out.

And it’s all the Febreeze commercials fault.  You know the one.  The one where it shows little brown, thorny puffs in the air in the bathroom, then the happy-go-lucky housefrau sprays the Febreeze and it pockets around the brown puff ridding all the icky smell out of the restroom.  Now all I see are brown, thorny puffs in the air when I enter the public restroom.  I don’t want that shit (no pun intended) in my lungs!  Those brown puffs came from someone’s ass!  Anything that comes out of someone else’s ass should never go into my lungs.

My own farts excluded.

Just to let our male readers in on a little something, in case you’ve never seen a girl actually pee.  Boy peeing is a clear, clean stream.  Now imagine you put your thumb over your pee hole and it goes spraying in all directions , that’s a girl pee.  That’s why we can’t write our name in the snow, however, we can do beautiful abstract snow art.

And it’s even worse if women keep themselves pubic hair free.  The pee goes here and there and everywhere.  So when we squat-and-hover over the public toilet, well, it goes here and there and everywhere.  And I’m not touching it.  I’m already wretching at the whole idea of being in the restroom to begin with.

So, if you see me going into a public restroom do not follow me.  Do not be upset that I’ve left the spots all over the toilet , just pick another stall.  Or clean up after me, whatever.  I have a phobia.  Perhaps I’ll bring that up at next weeks therapy appointment.

Ciao!/Sabrina

100 Things

1. Monday mornings stress me out
2. I think time can heal all wounds
3. My wine consumption has quadrupled since having my second child
4. I prefer red wine
5. I’ve been highlighting my hair since I was 13
6. I would never get a tattoo
7. I get very anxious when I am running late
8. When I am pissed at my husband I go through the Starbucks drive through and it makes me feel better
9. I cuss way too much…I know it is not ladylike but I do it anyway
10. I would still shop at Wal-mart for groceries even if I had a bazillion dollars
11. It annoys me that I cannot take my own damn cart to my car at Market Street
12. I suck at budgeting
13. I adore my in-laws
14. I’m really sick of watching Doodlebops
15. I’ve had the same pair of Reef flip flops for the last 5 years
16. I am BFFs with my mom and we talk at least 3 times a day
17. I loathe chores and laundry with a passion
18. I never felt natural breastfeeding my kids and was relieved to stop
19. Cheese makes up a huge part of my ‘diet’
20. I’m putting off potty training because I am lazy and I know it is going to be a total pain in the ass
21. I have a secret crush
22. I’m still in my 20’s
23. I remind my husband that he has a hot young wife in her 20’s on a regular basis
24. He better do something big for me when I turn 30
25. I am not a good cook
26. I once made a pan of brownies that you could pull out as one solid piece and flap back and forth
27. I’m not sure what happened with that because my mom is an amazing cook
28. I really love food even though I can’t cook it
29. I have sushi with my BFF once a month and it always so much fun
30. I could drink cream gravy straight up. Especially the kind from Dairy Queen.
31. I feel very lucky that my husband loves me unconditionally
32. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve it
33. I really believe we will still be together when we are 90 years old
34. After we were dating for a while I thought ‘Oh, so THIS is what is supposed to be like’
35. My husband told me today that he hopes our daughter has my confidence
36. This made me feel sexy as hell
37. I find overconfidence annoying as hell
38. I’m a bigtime bargain hunter
39. I think it’s stupid when people pay more for things than they have to
40. I looooove cruising
41. I really loved my boobs before i had kids
42. I once showed my boobs to entire bar in college
43. I would never do that now
44. I get a raging headache if I don’t have my coffee by 9am
45. I smoke when I drink
46. This list is taking forever
47. I have some friends that I feel like i can never get enough time with
48. I have some friends that I want to tell to get over themselves
49. I think friendships should not be forced
50. If i have to kiss your ass it’s totally not worth it
51. I think my son is so funny
52. I watch Fox News
53. I love trashy reality TV like Brett Micheals Rock of Love
54. I hate mushrooms
55. I also don’t like anything with ‘chai’
56. I would love to be a redhead but it will never happen
57. I would never do drugs
58. Even if i wanted to I’m too much of a wuss
59. I’m eating apple pie right now
60. Last time I made apple pie i accidentally added four cups of sugar instead of one
61. Told you I suck as a cook
62. I would love to look like Charlize Theron
63. Every time I’m out running errands I wonder if I have seen one of the other Housewives
64. I need a massage soooooo bad
65. I love the little massage guys at Stonebriar Mall
66. I can never hear the phrase “I love you, Mommy” too many times
67. Sometimes when my son tells me that I start to cry
68. I cry easily over sappy stuff like Lifetime movies
69. I cry every time I go to church
70. I think pretty is way better than skinny
71. I would love to have a smaller ass, though
72. I think it’s so stupid when movie stars act like they are an authority on politics
73. Damn I am running out of topics
74. I have never been a night owl
75. I had a fake ID in college and it looked NOTHING like me
76. I used it anyway
77. I lived on 6th street in Austin Thursday-Sunday in those days
78. I love my neighborhood
79. It’s comfortable and nice but not stuffy and snobby
79. I think skinny leg jeans are ugly unless you look like Mary Kate Olsen and even then they are still ugly
80. I am a Daddy’s girl
81. My parents are divorced
82. I think it worked out best in the end because I really like the people my parents are with now
83. Now it seems my kids will have a gazillion sets of grandparents but how can that be a bad thing?
84. I love Oprah (the show) but Oprah (the woman) is bugging me lately with her holier than thou attitude
85. Really love that new show The Locator
86. I wonder if Heidi on The Hills really doesn’t realize that Spencer is completely emotionally abusive?
87. I walked in on my father-in-law naked twice in one day
88. Oops
89. My mother in law is fabulous
90. She is totally not up in our business
91. I know about 2 other people who actually like their mothers in law
92. I always try to tell her what a great job she did raising her son
93. Hopefully my son will grow up to be like his father
94. Is this list over yet?
95. I look good in red
96. I met my husband online
97. Doesn’t everyone meet that way these days?
96. I’m so nervous about this election
97. That’s all I’m going to say about it
98. I would love to be a fly on the wall in the Playboy mansion
99. I think Bridget is the prettiest by far
100. Thank the good Lord I’m done!